Life...Changes...Hurt...

It's been awhile since I've posted on here. There's been A LOT going on in my life. So much that I'm just getting to a breaking point now where emotionally I'm finding it hard to carry on. Yes life is better then it has been in the past. I am happier then I was before but there is so much going on now that I'm just not sure what to think of it all.

Yes I do have a new job and I quit the horrible place that I was working at before. I am now working as a cashier at Walmart and I am loving it. I have made some great friendships there. Also developed a real crush for someone. But yet there is just so much going on that is emotionally over whelming me.  It has nothing to do with the friends I have made that I have built a great friendship with. It's more so with this one guy who hasn't gotten the hint or even the word no. He hasn't quiet understood yet that I don't want what he wants. Yes he keeps trying to push himself on to me. No I am not comfortable with this. Yes I have tried to tell him. No he doesn't listen. Yes I feel like he stalks me at times. Yes he keeps grabbing me. Yes I have punched him in the face. No I do not want anything to do with him. I want to keep away from him. Yes I have tried to tell him to be just friends. No he hasn't gotten it through his head. Yes he keeps doing things to me that make me very emotionally confused. Yes he has hurt me emotionally. Yes I want to break his face. No I won't do it unless I have to. Yes I do feel like he is ruining any chances of me being with any other guy. Yes there is another guy who I am crazy about. Yes he tries to keep me away from him. No I can't avoid him no matter how much I try. Yes I do try to avoid him. There is just so much going on that I really don't know what to think and am finding it hard to process everything in my mind. There is a guy who I am crazy about and really want to get to know better but I feel like I'm being held back because of the guy who won't leave me alone. I really want things to work out with the guy I'm crazy about. He seems to be an amazing guy. I'm at a point in my life where I have great things in front of me but there is things that are trying to hold me back and keep me from getting those great things and no matter how hard I try there is a piece of rubber holding me back and not letting me get to those great things in life. There are so many things going on in my life that I want to let out but I am not sure on how to let it all out. Some of it I have let out and some of it I can't find a way to let it out. I really want things to go really good for me in my life. I want to succeed in life and have a great life but I find that hard to when there are so many things that are trying to pull me back and keep me from doing what I want and need to in life.

There is so much more I want to get off my chest but right now I feel like I got a good amount off and that I am unable to get the rest off of my chest.

Alone

Ever feel like not many people care for you? Like your alone in the world? I'm sure we have all been there. I'm sure everyone's been kicked out from a group cause the group wasn't willing to work with them because of the stubbornness of someone in that group that they where trying to teach and the fact that they gave up on that person and the others that where more then willing to learn and was working hard at trying to learn but gave up hope cause of the way they where treated and didn't feel welcomed by that group. Or feeling like no one cares for you or wants to hang with you. Giving up hope cause every time you try to do something that'd be fun or even something that will build the relationship the others don't want to and start to think you are using them for entertainment. Or getting your hopes up to making a big change in life only to be let down cause others get scared and don't want to ruining your plans and crushing your hopes. Or even those that ignore you cause they feel as if they have better things to do or better friends then to be with you instead of just once and awhile making conversation to see how each other is doing and what they have been up to. I feel like as I get older people get ruder and ruder and only want what they want instead of trying to help others or be there for others or even build up a relationship.

Moving on...

Okay so....I have been through a really rough year this past year. Been through the ups and downs, mostly the downs. I have barley gotten through it and am still struggling to get through everything. With it being a new year, I want to change things and try to have a year where it's mainly the ups. This year I will not deal with guys. I am taking a break from them for awhile. A much needed break. They have caused me to much pain over the past year and I need time to myself to figure out really what I want in a guy for a future husband and to become happy with myself. Something that I can't do with a guy being there distracting me. I have started to fall into a depression due to work over working me and among other things. There are a few things I have decided that I am going to do this year to make sure that I don't fall into a deeper depression and that I can get out of this depression that I was pulled into. 2013 is the year to move on with life. Start focusing on what I love in life. Become who I am ment to be. Find myself again. Become a stronger person. Among so many other things. I am not ready to let this year become a year like last year instead I am ready to make it the best year that I can.

Time for change

There are so many people who are worried that the world is going to end on the 21st. They have stopped worrying about others and just about themselves. Doing what they want in life and not giving a care about others. Life isn't about being able to do everything you want for yourself. It's about being there for others. Helping those that need help or even those that don't. Stop and think if you died today would you be happy with the life you lived? Would you regret the way you acted. How selfish you acted? How you ignored that homeless man sitting on the corner of the street with no shoes, no coat, no socks, freezing in the dreaded cold of the snowy night? Would you want to redo your life over again to make it better? No matter what goes on in life we should care about others. Others need help. We can not face this life on this world alone. We need help from others. We need to stop being greedy. Show that you care for someone. This holiday season I challenge each and everyone of you to help someone out. It could be paying for a single mother's family's meal at a restaurant, seeing a screaming child in a store and offering to buy the child some candy or a toy, offering a coat to a homeless man freezing in the cold, or even something as simple as walking someone across the street, or even just smiling at someone. We can make a difference. I challenge everyone to make a change in this world, do something out of kindness, not only for this holiday season but for the whole year of 2013 and all the years to follow after that. We can make a difference  One person alone can make a difference and that can lead to hundrads of others making a difference also. Let's all put down our cell phones, log off of Facebook and go do something good for this world. I would love to see 100 people commit to making a change for the year 2013. Do something for someone. Stop being greedy. I know we can do it. Lets make 2013 the year of change, the year of kindness, the year that people can stop worrying so much and just feel happiness all around them, knowing that the world is becoming a better place. I not only challenge you to make a change in this world but also challenge you to get your friends to also make a change. We can do it.

A way with words...

I'm not sure why but for me it seems so much easier to just write things out instead of talking about them aloud. I'm not sure why this is but it's just how I have been for awhile. Things bottling up inside of me. Slowly causing more and more pain. Tearing me apart from the inside. Yet hiding it from the world. Telling no one what is bugging me. Not able to talk about it to anyone. The feeling of betrayal and hurt. Feeling always alone. That no one cares. That I'm the only one in this world and that I'm fighting alone. Waiting for someone to see and hear my silent cries. The cries that no one knows about. That no one will know about. Keeping it buried deep inside. Away from the world. Not able to share my feelings to the world. Yet wishing for everyone to know how I was feeling. To see the pain I'm going through. Wanting to know that I'm not alone in the world. Wanting to know that there is someone who's going through similar things that I'm going through. Wanting someone to just be a friend. Someone to talk to. Someone to go out and do crazy fun things with. Get out and do things. Get away from the depressive thoughts. To be able to free my mind from everything that is going on. Life is crazy. It's pulling me down. Down to a place I don't want to go. Wanting to free myself from this place that life is pulling me down to. Needing to get out. Get out and do something fun. Escape the craziness of life. The everyday tasks.

Ready To Give Up.

I'm tired of being strong. Tired of holding on. I just wanna let go. Let go of everything. I have been through way to much this year. I'm ready for it to be all over. I can't handle it anymore. I want this pain to go away. To never come back again. All this hurt that has been caused to me this year. All by several people. Made worse by others. I'm ready to give up. Ready to stop fighting. I don't want to do this anymore. I need to get away. Away from everything. To never have to deal with any of this ever again. Let go of everything from my past. To forget about it all. To have it not haunt me for the rest of my life the way it does now. I'm tired of putting on a happy face. Pretending that nothing is bugging me. When there is so much that is bugging me. Tired of hiding everything. Tired of acting like nothing is ever wrong when there is sooo much wrong and so much that is bugging me. So much that is taking the living daylight out of me. So much that is taking every living will out of me. I can't do this. I don't want to. I want it to all go away. I want to be happy. To forget everything.

Love...

As I'm getting older and older I'm starting to find that all my friends are starting to fall in love. Yet every time I fall in love I end up getting hurt. There has never been a time where I feel for a guy where he didn't hurt me. Slowly I'm starting to believe that maybe love isn't for me. After all not everyone gets married. Maybe I'm one of those people who's just not ment to fall in love and get married. Maybe I'm just suppose to get hurt over and over for the rest of my life. Never falling madly in love and getting married. For as long as I can remember I've been tricked to fall into guys games that they play with girls. It seems like no guy has dated me that really cares for me yet I know that there has been a couple. Yet all the guys who hurt me have made it seem like all guys are like this. I'm starting to lose hope that I'll ever get a date. Find Mr. Perfect. So many guys out there are to stuck up in there own ways and could care less about a girl like me and for the feelings for a girl like me. Right now I don't think I'll ever find Mr. Perfect. Maybe I will one day but right now I don't think I will. Some guy who's not like the others will have to change this but I really don't think it will happen anytime soon. I would love to find a guy who's that amazing but with the way the world it going and how all the guys are I know that it's not going to happen for awhile.