Mad/Hurt

So I am the kind of person who doesn't tell you when I'm mad at you. I have my own way of expressing it. I'm the kind of person who when I'm mad at someone and they ask me if I'm mad at them I wil tell them that I'm not. It's just the person I am. I will tell the person I'm mad at them when I'm ready if I feel like I need to. Sometimes I won't tell anyone and it will just stay hidden that I'm mad at someone.

Some have noticed that I have been hurting lately but most have not. Yes I have been hurting a lot lately and it's really complicated on why I have been hurting so much. There is sooooo much I want to say but I can't. I have gotten to the point where I'm just taking life as it comes hoping for it to get better. This summer has been one of the hardest for me and I'm getting through it. I'm becoming a stronger person but I'm still hurting. There are no words for how much I am hurting. It's hard to describe how much I am  hurting to where someone else could understand it. I hoping that this pain goes away soon. Things will get better but it's going to take time for it to get better. Right now I have to take life as it comes and deal with this hurt.

Happiness

Okay so some of you have noticed that I haven't had the best time  lately and that I've been going through a really hard time. Struggling to get through each day. I want to thank all of you who put up with me. There has been so much that has been on my mind in the past month that has been bugging me and affecting me on a day to day bases. There is so muh I want to say to some people but probably won't. I have made some changes in my life to work towards being happier in life. I'm making these changes for myself. Not for anyone else. I refuse to make changes for someone else and not for myself. All changes I make are going to be for me to work towards my happiness in life. I have learned a lot the past month or so and it has made me a stronger person. I can't say that I'm happy it happened but I can say that I'm happy that I have learned from it and have become a better person because of it. I am going to strive to be a better person for myself. To help make my life the best that it possibly can be. I still have some things to figure out in life and it's going to be a touch road to learn them but I am a lot closer to learning them then I was a month ago. I am hoping to have everything sorted out soon. I am a lot happier now then I was a couple days ago. I am probably the happiest I have been in a long time and still have a ways to go to work towards being fully happy with myself and with my life but I am getting there and will be glad when this road is over. I have some of the most amazing friends who have helped me through this hard time. I wish I could thank each one of you and pay you back for the help you have been. I love each and everyone of you.

Feelings...

Sometimes it feels like it's not worth it anymore that it's best to just give up. That no one cares. That no one wants to be a friend and reach out to you when you need a friend the most. It feels like you are all alone in this world that there is nothing for you to do. No matter what you do it seems like it's not important at all. No matter how much you keep trying no one seems to appreciate you for who you are and that people are always wanting to change you or that they just don't want you in their life anymore. Leaving you there stranded all alone feeling as if you are not worth it or anything anymore in this world. Feeling as if this world will be better without you. Yet you are hanging on by a strand. Barley hanging on. About to give out and let go at any moment but you know that there is something good that is about to com. You just don't know when or where it'll come so you keep losing hope. Waiting for things to get better but seeing no changes. Having few people tell you that things are going to be okay and that they will work out. Someday things will get better but for now it's best to just hang on to that one strand that's keeping you up hoping that things will get better at some point. Sooner rather then later.

Choices

So lately with all the personal choices I have made in my life that I have shared with others has not gone how it could have. I've been attacked for these choices I have made. I shouldn't be getting attacked and put down because of my own personal choices that I am making in my life. People have been putting into their mind that my personal choices for my own life is something that they have to apply to theirs also and they don't like the idea. Yet somehow they are not grasping the fact of personal choice. They don't have to change and do what personal choices I am making. That's why it's a personal choice. A choice that I want to make in my life not in someone else's life. I can only control my own life not others. Please don't go attacking me on my personal choices either. You have no idea what I am going through and why I am making these choices. I have a reason behind everything that I do. I make these choices cause I feel as if they will be the best option for me at the time. This is how it will go. If people continue to attack me for my own personal changes then I'll have to make some more changes and block out those who are attacking me for the choices I am making in my life. I will be cutting back on sharing what is on my mind and keeping to myself a little bit more till I feel that people are done attacking me. This is how things are and will have to be for awhile. If you don't like it then to bad. It's my choice. I have been making many changes in my life and I will continue to do so to make myself a better person.

Major Changes For The Better.

Okay so I have been through a lot since graduating High School a year ago and I have realized a couple of weeks ago that there are some major changes I need to make in my life. Things that I need to get better at doing and some things that just have to change.

I have struggled at reading my scriptures my whole teen years. That doesn't mean that I didn't read them just that I'm not the best at reading them and I have decided earlier this year to work on getting better. I never really started to get better at it till a couple of weeks ago. I started to sit down and just for 30 or more minutes read them and have found that they are truly amazing when I sit down and just read them with no distractions at all and don't set myself a certain amount to read. I have gotten lost in them and have found that there has been times that I have read them for hours and ended up not doing the other stuff I had planned for the day but I felt better after reading them even though I didn't get done what I needed to. I still struggle at reading them but I am working at getting better at reading them. I am not setting myself a goal since goals do not always work. Instead I am sitting down during my free time to read them...which I have lots of.

Some other changes I am making is that I'm no longer letting people push me around and use me like they have in the past. I'm done with that all. I will speak my mind or just walk off. If you don't like this then that's your problem but I no longer want to be part of drama, bossed around, or used. I am my own individual person. I will do what I feel I need to do. What I feel I need to do may not be what you think I should do but that doesn't matter. You can give me your opinion as long as you word it in a way that makes it sound as an opinion or a suggestion instead of an order. I may still be a teenager as of right now but in about 3 months I will be no longer a teenager. I don't deserve to be treated as I have been and I won't put up for it anymore. I am setting my own personal rules that I will work at following. If you don't like them then fine. They are not rules for you they are rules for me. Some of them may effect others but those who are my true friends and really care about me will understand. They will realize that I am doing this for myself and to become a better person.

Now some of you already know this but I would rather talk to people face to face or over the phone. It's a lot more personal. There are some who I'm fine with talking to over the internet but those who I really care about I would rather talk to you in person or over the phone. I am cutting back my Facebook time. I will not get on Facebook much and if you ask me to get on to check something I will not get on till I want to get on. My life doesn't revolve around others. I have my own things I need to do and I will do those before I check Facebook. I refuse to let Facebook control my life anymore. I am also cutting back on my texting. There are the few who I will still text a lot but other then that I will not text like I use to. You know who you are if you are one of the people who I am okay with texting a lot. I will be working towards cutting back on my text usage and working on talking to people more over the phone or in person. This is a choice I made and again if you don't like it then that's okay cause it's a personal choice that I have made.

Those are the main changes I have made in my life as of right now. There are some other changes I have made in my life that I am working on and will continue to work on and there will be more changes I will make later on in my life. These are the choices I have made and feel that I need to do. I still care for everyone but if you don't hear from me as much don't be alarmed. If you want to hear from me then give me a call. If you don't have my number and want it let me know and I might give it to you depending on how I feel about you.

Lots of Love
Raven

Changes and thoughts

Okay so recently I have quit my job at Carl's Jr and got a job at McDonalds. I have felt that most of you are not supportive of this decision I have made. I have been getting comments like "Isn't that a step down?" "Why would you want to work for McDonalds" "You can do better" and much more along with glares and stuff. None of you know fully of what I am going through and that I made this decision on my own because I needed to. I have my reasons on why I did this and I feel as if I don't need to go telling everyone on why I made this choice in my life. There has been a select few people who have been supportive of this choice in my life and those are the one's who know why I have done this. I feel like I shouldn't have to tell everyone on why I have made this choice and that they should be supportive of me no matter what I do. Many of you would take back your comments if you knew fully on why I'm making this choice. Comments like those are just hurting me more then you would think they are with what I have been through recently. I wish for all of you to be supportive of me with this decision but I know that will never happen because none of you can fully feel and know what I have been through. This is my decision and it's one I feel will do more good for me then you all think it will. Please let me live my life doing what I feel is right without any rude remarks and glares. Thanks you.

Life Stinks!

Okay so I really need to vent. There is lots going on in my life and I really can't handle it anymore. I'm not quiet sure what to do anymore or even if I should do something or just give up on it all.

So for sometime now (at least 1.5 months) I have been trying to find a job. I have applied everywhere I can think of even places I would have never thought of. I have even applied at every McDonalds I can think of but no luck at all on getting a job. I have gotten maybe 4 job interviews out of all the millions of applications I have turned in but not one single offer for a job. Yes I am looking for my first job and I have been told it's going to be hard but I never thought it would be this hard. I don't know where to look at now or even if I should keep trying to get a job. I'm not sure if all this time I have wasted on trying to get a job is worth it. I have had no progress and am running out of money. I'm really hating how all these immature high school students can get a job super east but no matter how hard I work at getting a job I can't get nothing. It's not right. It's almost impossible to get a job without any work experience but there is no way to get work experience when you can't get a job. I have done everything that others have told me to do when job hunting yet I get no results at all. I'm to the point now where I don't even think I'm going to get a job. It seems like no one wants to hire me no matter how hard I work at getting a job and honestly I'm starting to lose hope that I will ever be able to get a job. All I really want right now is a job. A job where I can work hard at, learn new things, make friends, show I'm responsible, have something to fill up my free time with, and to have money to be able to pay to do things with friends or get things I need to get for school and stuff. But I guess this is asking to much. :/

There are other things that are going on also but I don't feel like talking about those right now. Maybe later. Who knows. But for now life stinks!