Time for change

There are so many people who are worried that the world is going to end on the 21st. They have stopped worrying about others and just about themselves. Doing what they want in life and not giving a care about others. Life isn't about being able to do everything you want for yourself. It's about being there for others. Helping those that need help or even those that don't. Stop and think if you died today would you be happy with the life you lived? Would you regret the way you acted. How selfish you acted? How you ignored that homeless man sitting on the corner of the street with no shoes, no coat, no socks, freezing in the dreaded cold of the snowy night? Would you want to redo your life over again to make it better? No matter what goes on in life we should care about others. Others need help. We can not face this life on this world alone. We need help from others. We need to stop being greedy. Show that you care for someone. This holiday season I challenge each and everyone of you to help someone out. It could be paying for a single mother's family's meal at a restaurant, seeing a screaming child in a store and offering to buy the child some candy or a toy, offering a coat to a homeless man freezing in the cold, or even something as simple as walking someone across the street, or even just smiling at someone. We can make a difference. I challenge everyone to make a change in this world, do something out of kindness, not only for this holiday season but for the whole year of 2013 and all the years to follow after that. We can make a difference  One person alone can make a difference and that can lead to hundrads of others making a difference also. Let's all put down our cell phones, log off of Facebook and go do something good for this world. I would love to see 100 people commit to making a change for the year 2013. Do something for someone. Stop being greedy. I know we can do it. Lets make 2013 the year of change, the year of kindness, the year that people can stop worrying so much and just feel happiness all around them, knowing that the world is becoming a better place. I not only challenge you to make a change in this world but also challenge you to get your friends to also make a change. We can do it.

A way with words...

I'm not sure why but for me it seems so much easier to just write things out instead of talking about them aloud. I'm not sure why this is but it's just how I have been for awhile. Things bottling up inside of me. Slowly causing more and more pain. Tearing me apart from the inside. Yet hiding it from the world. Telling no one what is bugging me. Not able to talk about it to anyone. The feeling of betrayal and hurt. Feeling always alone. That no one cares. That I'm the only one in this world and that I'm fighting alone. Waiting for someone to see and hear my silent cries. The cries that no one knows about. That no one will know about. Keeping it buried deep inside. Away from the world. Not able to share my feelings to the world. Yet wishing for everyone to know how I was feeling. To see the pain I'm going through. Wanting to know that I'm not alone in the world. Wanting to know that there is someone who's going through similar things that I'm going through. Wanting someone to just be a friend. Someone to talk to. Someone to go out and do crazy fun things with. Get out and do things. Get away from the depressive thoughts. To be able to free my mind from everything that is going on. Life is crazy. It's pulling me down. Down to a place I don't want to go. Wanting to free myself from this place that life is pulling me down to. Needing to get out. Get out and do something fun. Escape the craziness of life. The everyday tasks.

Ready To Give Up.

I'm tired of being strong. Tired of holding on. I just wanna let go. Let go of everything. I have been through way to much this year. I'm ready for it to be all over. I can't handle it anymore. I want this pain to go away. To never come back again. All this hurt that has been caused to me this year. All by several people. Made worse by others. I'm ready to give up. Ready to stop fighting. I don't want to do this anymore. I need to get away. Away from everything. To never have to deal with any of this ever again. Let go of everything from my past. To forget about it all. To have it not haunt me for the rest of my life the way it does now. I'm tired of putting on a happy face. Pretending that nothing is bugging me. When there is so much that is bugging me. Tired of hiding everything. Tired of acting like nothing is ever wrong when there is sooo much wrong and so much that is bugging me. So much that is taking the living daylight out of me. So much that is taking every living will out of me. I can't do this. I don't want to. I want it to all go away. I want to be happy. To forget everything.

Love...

As I'm getting older and older I'm starting to find that all my friends are starting to fall in love. Yet every time I fall in love I end up getting hurt. There has never been a time where I feel for a guy where he didn't hurt me. Slowly I'm starting to believe that maybe love isn't for me. After all not everyone gets married. Maybe I'm one of those people who's just not ment to fall in love and get married. Maybe I'm just suppose to get hurt over and over for the rest of my life. Never falling madly in love and getting married. For as long as I can remember I've been tricked to fall into guys games that they play with girls. It seems like no guy has dated me that really cares for me yet I know that there has been a couple. Yet all the guys who hurt me have made it seem like all guys are like this. I'm starting to lose hope that I'll ever get a date. Find Mr. Perfect. So many guys out there are to stuck up in there own ways and could care less about a girl like me and for the feelings for a girl like me. Right now I don't think I'll ever find Mr. Perfect. Maybe I will one day but right now I don't think I will. Some guy who's not like the others will have to change this but I really don't think it will happen anytime soon. I would love to find a guy who's that amazing but with the way the world it going and how all the guys are I know that it's not going to happen for awhile.

Life's Crazy

Wow I haven't posted on here in a long time. It seems the older I get the more crazy my life gets. With it being September now I have started classes back up. I can't even tell you how crazy my life is just with everything from my classes. There seems like there is sooooo much but yet there isn't it seems like. I am taking 16 credits. Kinda crazy to think that I have that many credits that I'm taking this fall semester. My day starts at 5:30 am when I have to wake up to start getting ready for the day. Pretty crazy to think I'm actually getting myself up at that time and to classes. Something I have never been able to do on my own before.
So as I mentioned earlier I am taking 16 credits. Which is kinda a lot of credits to take at one time but it's not. I am taking American Civ., Math 1010, English 1010, Art Lectures, Darkroom Techniques, and 2D Design. As you probably noticed I have mixed between generals and major classes. It's kinda how I like things. It helps balance things out in my life.
In my Math 1010 class I have this on Tuesday and Thursday at 11am. Kinda have mixed feelings about this. I'm not the best at math but I"m going to make the best of it that I can. I have been doing okay so far and have learned somethings. I am hoping to continue to learn things and to hopefully get better at math while passing my math class.
In English 1010, I feel like this class is kinda slow. Like it could go faster or be more entertaining but I'm not sure if it will.
American Civ...oh gosh I could go on a rant about this class. For one the teacher keeps telling us that we are idiots and that we know nothing about history at all. He also calls us stupid and morons. He is constantly bashing all of us. He thinks he is a know it all and that we know nothing and are 100% stupid and that he has to teach us everything in order for us to have some kind of hope in life at all. There is sooooo much more I could rant on about this class but I"m not going to.
Art Lectures. This class is going to be easy minus the time that it's at. It's kinda late in the day but luckily it's only once a week. We basically just have to show up, sign the roll, listen to a lecture and then go home. That's how easy this class is going to be.
2D Design...it's a drawing class...of course. I'm not to big on drawing but I do like to draw here and there. So far I haven't learned anything besides shapes and lines...kinda weird cause I already know this stuff but oh well.
Darkroom Techniques...oh gosh I freaking love this class. I could live in this class and be happy. I have learned so much already from developing film to making a ray-o-gram. It's sooooo amazing on everything that can be done. I never knew it was so easy and that I'd love it so much. I could go on and on about how much I love this class it's just freaking amazing.
On top of being a full time student I am also working part time at McDonalds. Yes it's fast food....yes I use to say that I'd never get a job in fastfood but I have. McDonald's has taught me so much and I'm very grateful that work there and get to work with the people that I get to. Sometimes it's not always fun to work but we do have fun here and there. I have learned sooooo much there and can't wait to see what else I will get to learn from working there.
As you can tell life is well crazy and it's a challenge for me but it's a challenge that I'm going to complete. I know I can do it and I will.
Well peeps that's all for now. I'm gonna try to blog more but I'm not making a promise that I will. So if you don't see a blog from me in awhile it's cause I'm busy or something.
Love ya'll
-Rae

Mad/Hurt

So I am the kind of person who doesn't tell you when I'm mad at you. I have my own way of expressing it. I'm the kind of person who when I'm mad at someone and they ask me if I'm mad at them I wil tell them that I'm not. It's just the person I am. I will tell the person I'm mad at them when I'm ready if I feel like I need to. Sometimes I won't tell anyone and it will just stay hidden that I'm mad at someone.

Some have noticed that I have been hurting lately but most have not. Yes I have been hurting a lot lately and it's really complicated on why I have been hurting so much. There is sooooo much I want to say but I can't. I have gotten to the point where I'm just taking life as it comes hoping for it to get better. This summer has been one of the hardest for me and I'm getting through it. I'm becoming a stronger person but I'm still hurting. There are no words for how much I am hurting. It's hard to describe how much I am  hurting to where someone else could understand it. I hoping that this pain goes away soon. Things will get better but it's going to take time for it to get better. Right now I have to take life as it comes and deal with this hurt.

Happiness

Okay so some of you have noticed that I haven't had the best time  lately and that I've been going through a really hard time. Struggling to get through each day. I want to thank all of you who put up with me. There has been so much that has been on my mind in the past month that has been bugging me and affecting me on a day to day bases. There is so muh I want to say to some people but probably won't. I have made some changes in my life to work towards being happier in life. I'm making these changes for myself. Not for anyone else. I refuse to make changes for someone else and not for myself. All changes I make are going to be for me to work towards my happiness in life. I have learned a lot the past month or so and it has made me a stronger person. I can't say that I'm happy it happened but I can say that I'm happy that I have learned from it and have become a better person because of it. I am going to strive to be a better person for myself. To help make my life the best that it possibly can be. I still have some things to figure out in life and it's going to be a touch road to learn them but I am a lot closer to learning them then I was a month ago. I am hoping to have everything sorted out soon. I am a lot happier now then I was a couple days ago. I am probably the happiest I have been in a long time and still have a ways to go to work towards being fully happy with myself and with my life but I am getting there and will be glad when this road is over. I have some of the most amazing friends who have helped me through this hard time. I wish I could thank each one of you and pay you back for the help you have been. I love each and everyone of you.

Feelings...

Sometimes it feels like it's not worth it anymore that it's best to just give up. That no one cares. That no one wants to be a friend and reach out to you when you need a friend the most. It feels like you are all alone in this world that there is nothing for you to do. No matter what you do it seems like it's not important at all. No matter how much you keep trying no one seems to appreciate you for who you are and that people are always wanting to change you or that they just don't want you in their life anymore. Leaving you there stranded all alone feeling as if you are not worth it or anything anymore in this world. Feeling as if this world will be better without you. Yet you are hanging on by a strand. Barley hanging on. About to give out and let go at any moment but you know that there is something good that is about to com. You just don't know when or where it'll come so you keep losing hope. Waiting for things to get better but seeing no changes. Having few people tell you that things are going to be okay and that they will work out. Someday things will get better but for now it's best to just hang on to that one strand that's keeping you up hoping that things will get better at some point. Sooner rather then later.

Choices

So lately with all the personal choices I have made in my life that I have shared with others has not gone how it could have. I've been attacked for these choices I have made. I shouldn't be getting attacked and put down because of my own personal choices that I am making in my life. People have been putting into their mind that my personal choices for my own life is something that they have to apply to theirs also and they don't like the idea. Yet somehow they are not grasping the fact of personal choice. They don't have to change and do what personal choices I am making. That's why it's a personal choice. A choice that I want to make in my life not in someone else's life. I can only control my own life not others. Please don't go attacking me on my personal choices either. You have no idea what I am going through and why I am making these choices. I have a reason behind everything that I do. I make these choices cause I feel as if they will be the best option for me at the time. This is how it will go. If people continue to attack me for my own personal changes then I'll have to make some more changes and block out those who are attacking me for the choices I am making in my life. I will be cutting back on sharing what is on my mind and keeping to myself a little bit more till I feel that people are done attacking me. This is how things are and will have to be for awhile. If you don't like it then to bad. It's my choice. I have been making many changes in my life and I will continue to do so to make myself a better person.

Major Changes For The Better.

Okay so I have been through a lot since graduating High School a year ago and I have realized a couple of weeks ago that there are some major changes I need to make in my life. Things that I need to get better at doing and some things that just have to change.

I have struggled at reading my scriptures my whole teen years. That doesn't mean that I didn't read them just that I'm not the best at reading them and I have decided earlier this year to work on getting better. I never really started to get better at it till a couple of weeks ago. I started to sit down and just for 30 or more minutes read them and have found that they are truly amazing when I sit down and just read them with no distractions at all and don't set myself a certain amount to read. I have gotten lost in them and have found that there has been times that I have read them for hours and ended up not doing the other stuff I had planned for the day but I felt better after reading them even though I didn't get done what I needed to. I still struggle at reading them but I am working at getting better at reading them. I am not setting myself a goal since goals do not always work. Instead I am sitting down during my free time to read them...which I have lots of.

Some other changes I am making is that I'm no longer letting people push me around and use me like they have in the past. I'm done with that all. I will speak my mind or just walk off. If you don't like this then that's your problem but I no longer want to be part of drama, bossed around, or used. I am my own individual person. I will do what I feel I need to do. What I feel I need to do may not be what you think I should do but that doesn't matter. You can give me your opinion as long as you word it in a way that makes it sound as an opinion or a suggestion instead of an order. I may still be a teenager as of right now but in about 3 months I will be no longer a teenager. I don't deserve to be treated as I have been and I won't put up for it anymore. I am setting my own personal rules that I will work at following. If you don't like them then fine. They are not rules for you they are rules for me. Some of them may effect others but those who are my true friends and really care about me will understand. They will realize that I am doing this for myself and to become a better person.

Now some of you already know this but I would rather talk to people face to face or over the phone. It's a lot more personal. There are some who I'm fine with talking to over the internet but those who I really care about I would rather talk to you in person or over the phone. I am cutting back my Facebook time. I will not get on Facebook much and if you ask me to get on to check something I will not get on till I want to get on. My life doesn't revolve around others. I have my own things I need to do and I will do those before I check Facebook. I refuse to let Facebook control my life anymore. I am also cutting back on my texting. There are the few who I will still text a lot but other then that I will not text like I use to. You know who you are if you are one of the people who I am okay with texting a lot. I will be working towards cutting back on my text usage and working on talking to people more over the phone or in person. This is a choice I made and again if you don't like it then that's okay cause it's a personal choice that I have made.

Those are the main changes I have made in my life as of right now. There are some other changes I have made in my life that I am working on and will continue to work on and there will be more changes I will make later on in my life. These are the choices I have made and feel that I need to do. I still care for everyone but if you don't hear from me as much don't be alarmed. If you want to hear from me then give me a call. If you don't have my number and want it let me know and I might give it to you depending on how I feel about you.

Lots of Love
Raven

Changes and thoughts

Okay so recently I have quit my job at Carl's Jr and got a job at McDonalds. I have felt that most of you are not supportive of this decision I have made. I have been getting comments like "Isn't that a step down?" "Why would you want to work for McDonalds" "You can do better" and much more along with glares and stuff. None of you know fully of what I am going through and that I made this decision on my own because I needed to. I have my reasons on why I did this and I feel as if I don't need to go telling everyone on why I made this choice in my life. There has been a select few people who have been supportive of this choice in my life and those are the one's who know why I have done this. I feel like I shouldn't have to tell everyone on why I have made this choice and that they should be supportive of me no matter what I do. Many of you would take back your comments if you knew fully on why I'm making this choice. Comments like those are just hurting me more then you would think they are with what I have been through recently. I wish for all of you to be supportive of me with this decision but I know that will never happen because none of you can fully feel and know what I have been through. This is my decision and it's one I feel will do more good for me then you all think it will. Please let me live my life doing what I feel is right without any rude remarks and glares. Thanks you.

Life Stinks!

Okay so I really need to vent. There is lots going on in my life and I really can't handle it anymore. I'm not quiet sure what to do anymore or even if I should do something or just give up on it all.

So for sometime now (at least 1.5 months) I have been trying to find a job. I have applied everywhere I can think of even places I would have never thought of. I have even applied at every McDonalds I can think of but no luck at all on getting a job. I have gotten maybe 4 job interviews out of all the millions of applications I have turned in but not one single offer for a job. Yes I am looking for my first job and I have been told it's going to be hard but I never thought it would be this hard. I don't know where to look at now or even if I should keep trying to get a job. I'm not sure if all this time I have wasted on trying to get a job is worth it. I have had no progress and am running out of money. I'm really hating how all these immature high school students can get a job super east but no matter how hard I work at getting a job I can't get nothing. It's not right. It's almost impossible to get a job without any work experience but there is no way to get work experience when you can't get a job. I have done everything that others have told me to do when job hunting yet I get no results at all. I'm to the point now where I don't even think I'm going to get a job. It seems like no one wants to hire me no matter how hard I work at getting a job and honestly I'm starting to lose hope that I will ever be able to get a job. All I really want right now is a job. A job where I can work hard at, learn new things, make friends, show I'm responsible, have something to fill up my free time with, and to have money to be able to pay to do things with friends or get things I need to get for school and stuff. But I guess this is asking to much. :/

There are other things that are going on also but I don't feel like talking about those right now. Maybe later. Who knows. But for now life stinks!

Summer Bucket List

Go boating(water skiing, tubing, wake boarding, etc.)
Create Crayon Canvas Art
Have some Musical Instrument Duet
Do lots of Photo-shoots
Go Mud Wrestling
Have a Paint War
Finally go to Seven Peaks
Go to Lagoon with a bunch of friends
Have Girls Nights
Go on dates with great guy(s)
Go to an NBA Basketball game
Go camping
Have a Movie night all night long
Have a giant Water Balloon fight
Go to Hoogle Zoo
Set off Fireworks that were bought in Wyoming
Finally go to Park City
Go to Florida
Finger Paint a poster with friends
Play Mud Volleyball
Go to an aquarium
Go fishing
Hike to the Y
Dress up as princesses/princes and go to the most random places (McDonalds, Movie Theater, etc.)
Do sidewalk art with chalk
Tie Dye shirts with sharpies
Go to Max Zipline
Go to Provo Beach Resort
Go paintball-ing

LDS Problems

So lately I have been really into reading LDS Problems, BYU Problems, Mormon Wonka, and Mormon Girl Problems on twitter and other sites and I just thought I'd share some of my favorites

LDS Problems

#ThatAwkwardMoment When there is a huge gap between you and the next person during the sacrament.


Never make eye contact with the person that is choosing someone to say the prayer.


Best drinking fountains on Earth. #mormonproblems


Why didn't the BYU football team do as good this year? Every time they gained ten yards, they had to give one back for tithing.


BYU Problems

New addition to the YSA hymnal- "If you like her then you should have put a ring on her" #Beyonce #BYUProblems


Prayer always helps me find the right answers...except for on my finals #NowImScrewed


Just as school ends, wedding season begins... #BYUProblems


With this many righteous kids you'd think we'd be blessed with good weather #ProvoProblems


Mormon Wonka

Oh, you're good at kissing? You must have the gift of tongues.


Oh, you pushed a handcart around for a few days? I'm sure you know exactly what the pioneers went through.


Oh, you put scripture verses as your Facebook status? You're definitely going to the celestial kingdom.


Oh, you're no longer a lip virgin? I'm sure your Bishop will need to hear about this.


Oh, you wear a bikini? You must have read the church dress code recently.


Mormon Girl Problems

You learned Spanish on your mission?! So, like, can you order for me at Cafe Rio?!


Is it sad I know people from my ward more from our Facebook group wall than in real life?


Someone needs to make a documentary of single Mormon girls and call it The Husband Games.


Elder Uchtdorf, if I married into your family I would NEVER be bitter!


Next month's Ensign should have an infographic showing contact information for the missionaries in the #LDSConf choir. #dearelder


Does Elder Uchtdorf have any sons? AND do they have the same accent as their father? If so, can I marry one of them?


I love sister missionaries (because they're in the field, they're not part of my husband hunting competition)!!!!








Enjoy! :)

Goodbye Dating & Courtship Class and spring semester

I have decided this semester to take a dating and courtship class that I have falling in love with. I have learned so much in this class and wish it would never come to an end. My teacher is just amazing. He makes the class worth going to. I have learned so much. Out of all of my classes I have had this semester, this is the one I'm the saddest to say goodbye to. It has given me something to look forward to every tuesday and thursday. This thursday is the last day...the end of my life. (or so it feels). But I am hoping to be able to go on dates and apply what I have learned from this class on these dates. To be able to find the one guy who is ment to be my husband. Then to use what I have learned to help me maintain a healthy and happy engagement and then marriage. I feel like I have been able to not only get better at communicating with guys but also with friends. There are somethings from this class that can be applied to friendships also. Well I"m probably boring you to death about how much I'm going to miss this class so here are some dating tips I learned from the class that i have fallin in love with. Hope you enjoy them like I do.

 Follow your heart, but take your brain with you
 Be careful not to use other people's lame dating patterns or standers as the standard for you
 One thing that will prepare you for marriage is to learn how to make and keep a friend
 To get dates, make yourself accessible to other people
 It will take some pressure off dating if your focus is trying to make friends with the people you date rather than worrying about whether or not you will become boyfriend and girlfriend. People marry their friends.
 Be measured and disciplined in revealing your feelings for someone. It creates a less pressured atmosphere for a relationship to grow. There is intrigued in mystery. Respect the growth cycle of other people's feelings
 Constant assessment of a relationship can sometimes prohibit it's growth.
 Keep at the flirting. Vary your methods. There is more than one way to talk to that someone you want to get to know.
 Obvious attempts are okay. subtle attempts are great too. Awkward attempts are even cute.
 Failed attempts aren't wasted. People are flattered and entertained and it's our Christian duty to lift others and bring joy into their lives.
 If we don't move out of our comfort zone, we won't grow, and if we don't grow we won't find joy.
 A reminder: you measure your success as a young single adult not by whether you are engaged or nearly engaged...but by how much you are conversing, flirting, and making new friends with those that you like.

Another class that I'm going to miss is Art History. My teacher has made the class o worth going to. I love being there. I have learned lots in the class through the semester and feel like I understand art better now. I love to point out different style periods in each art or architecture that I see. I can't wait to take more art history classes in the future.

I'm also going to miss english. For so many reasons. I love my english class but luckily I have more english classes to take. I have found a love for writing. I have volunteered to write essays for friends or to edit them for them when they are complaining about how much they hate writing essays.

Well those are the classes I'm going to miss.

First Heart Break

Have you ever had a guy lead you on? Give you the feelings that he likes you? I'm sure we all have.

So when I was about 14 there was a guy who I met at youth conference. He really caught my attention. I thought he was amazing and perfect. Never could get any more perfect. During the week at youth conference he would do everything with me. He asked me to dance with him during every slow dance song at the dances. He would sit with me during the firesides, meals, do the activities with me. He would do everything with me. Even the service projects he was right there by my side. Keeping me company. He was always asking me how I was doing and just made me smile. Being 14 I thought he would be the one I'd marry. I was head over heals crazy for him. He was perfect in my eyes. My first major crush that I have had. He had all the same values that I had...or so I thought.

After youth conferences we would go to dances together and just talk and dance. He was perfect in my eyes. All of my friends approved of him and told me that we need to make things official as soon as we are both 16.

Youth conference came around again when we were both 15. I was super excited to get to spend the week with him. This year things where different. I had competition. There was another girl who was crazy about him also but she was 14. She kept trying to steal him from me. It was a very hard week full of tears for me. I was to blind to see that he had changed and wasn't the guy I first met. I guess I didn't want to lose him. During the week he would still do things with me but she would come and take him from me and tell me how he didn't care for me and how I wasn't worth his time. It broke my heart to hear this from another girl. A girl who wanted my guy. Girls: if another girl has a guy DON'T take him from her no matter what it makes you look bad along with him. Guys: If a girl is trying to take you from another girl don't listen to her try to stay with your girl. I was able to make lots of memories with him but as time went on I was starting to hurt more and more inside. I couldn't handle another girl trying to take the guy of my dreams away.

Youth conference ended and school started up. By the time we both turned 16 I wanted to make things official with him. My friends talked me into asking him to become my boyfriend and by the time I was ready to ask him I became heartbroken. I went up to him to ask him out and right as I was about to he told me that he is gay and that he has a boyfriend. His boyfriend then walked up and kissed him right infront of me. I couldn't handle it anymore and took off. I was heartbroken big time and thought the world was coming to an end. I didn't want to see another guy again as long as I lived. He lead me on for 2 years then broke my heart. He kept the most important thing about him a secret from me. That he is gay.

I have since then recovered and started dating other guys. I have had great relationships with other guys. I have realized that I'm going to love lots of guys before I find the one that I am truly in love with and ment to spend all of eternity with.

Photography

So I haven't got the chance to really blog about my photography and I wanted to do that.

Photography is something that is apart of you. It's a style of life. Not everyone can be a photographer but if you can then you are in for a great ride in life.

So I have been drooling over a lens that I want. Which is a AF-S VR Zoom-Nikkor 70-300mm f/4.5-f.6g IF-ED.

This is a lens I have been wanting for some time now. I have a good start on camera equipment already but there is oh so much more that I want. Like lights! I need lighting equipment!!!

Okay so lets move on...

My photography has been improving a great deal over time. Here are some of my favorite pictures...

Hope you all enjoy my photography. :)

Click out now!

Need to vent...

Okay so yah I already talked about this but there is so much more that has happened on this subject that I just needed to talk about it to someone. I don't care who. Anyone.

So as those of you know who read my last post about these problems know that there is a girl who has been treating me basically like a piece of crap. Well things got worse. Before blocking her number I asked her to please return my movie she borrowed two months ago and that she has a week to return it to me or it's classified as stealing. Well she got ticked off at me for saying this and decided that she is going to get her mom involved in this. After I had her number blocked I got a text from her mom telling me about how I need to stop lying and grow up. Also saying that this girl never stole my movie and that I gave it to her to borrow for as long as she wants. Now I NEVER do this. I only loan out movies for a weekend. No longer. I have been asking for this movie back for about two months now and every time I asked for it back she would ignore me like she didn't have the movie. Back to the main part. Her mom kept on texting me telling me how it's my responsibility to get the movie back and it's not really theirs to get it back to me even though I have been asking for it back for awhile. Her mom then decided that she was going to go drop it off at my mom's work last friday. I went in to my mom's work and the movie was never there. So I figured it would get dropped off monday. Monday came and went same with Tuesday. Now it's Wednesday and I get a text from her mom yelling at me and basically treating me as if I'm her daughter to lecture. I told her to please not talk to me like that and to drop my movie off where she said she would and to not contact me anymore. An hour later I get a text from her saying that it's at the police station in a town 25 minutes away! It also said that I have till 5pm to pick up the movie or it goes into the evidence room and becomes evidence for a court case! Now this is pushing it. This never needed to happen. The police shouldn't be involved in this. It's stupid and down right immature. It's a movie that could EASILY be returned to me but they had to make a big deal out of it and take it to the police as they do with all their problems. It's now almsot 2pm and I have class till 4pm. No way of getting the movie back in time. I asked one of my friends if she could please go get it for me and if they don't let her pick it up to please give me a call so I can explain things to the police. She gladly said she would do it for me.

Honestly I think this whole thing is stupid and I'm done with drama. I have decided that if you want to start drama in my life and not work things out then you don't need to be in my life intill you are ready to work things out. I don't need people treating me like this.

Things that bug me

This is just something I need to get out there. For someone to read or for someone to not read. Doesn't matter as long as it's out there. 

So lately I have this friend and things have gone down hill big time in the friendship. For a couple of months every time I'm with her ALL we do is talk about guys. Nothing else. She is always telling me about how she needs a boyfriend and how I need to find her one. That she is tired of being alone and needs a boyfriend. It has gotten to the point of just being annoying to the point where I can't handle it anymore. I don't want to be the one who is the hook up girl who hooks people up. That's not me. I strongly believe in just letting things happen and making your own efforts at things. If things are ment to be it will happen. If it's not ment to be then move on. Things will get better. But no matter what she doesn't think they will. She is convinced that she will be alone forever. 

She has also been telling me all the time that I'm not allowed to flirt with guys, that I can't go on dates, that I'm not allowed to have a boyfriend, get engaged, married till she gets married. She says it's just joking but the fact that she has been saying it for so long and all the time proves to me that she is just selfish. Wants all the attention and needs a guy but is to lazy to go out and get her own. It is something that is not just annoying but it hurts. She doesn't realize how much it hurts me to hear her say that to me. She thinks it's not that big of a deal and that I have no idea what sarcasm is. 

She has also told me that I think that EVERY guy flirts with me. No matter who the guy is if he talks to me she thinks that I think that is flirting. It's not. I know what flirting is. It's not my fault that there is lots of guys who do flirt with me. I don't choose who flirts with me. I have and never will think that every guy flirts with me. 

She finds it annoying how when I get a date and I tell her but yet she tells me when she gets a date and who it's with and stuff. I find this plain out immature. A girl should be allowed to go on a date and tell her friends who she considers good friends about how the date went. She shouldn't have to keep her life that consists of dating and stuff to herself. It's not right. Girls like to talk about this stuff. I should know cause I'm a girl. 

One thing that just set me off today is when she told me how I think I'm prettier then all the other girls out there. Which is not true. There are MANY girls out there who I think are very pretty and would love to hear tips on beauty from them. This just ticks me off. She thinks I'm self centered when I'm not. I'm loving and care for people. It also bugs me how she is always saying how she is not pretty and stuff when she is. I'm just tired of her doing stuff like this to me. I can't handle it. 

There is so much that is going on and I'm just done with it. This is the majority of what is going on with her and me. I'm done with it. I blocked her on Facebook today and blocked her number from texting/calling me. If she is going to treat me like trash and put me down trying to hurt my feelings then I'm not going to talk to her. 

Feeding Frenzy of Fashion!

I really should blog more...but I don't see that happening for a long time.

So lately things have been between ehh and good. I guess there has been lots that have been bugging me but yet I try to shove it in the back of my mind and just have fun while trying to forget about everything. It works at times but it always ends up coming out at some point. There is just so much that is going on in life now days that it's really hard to hold things together without falling apart. I wanna stay strong buy yet I can't always. It seems like at times there is no one there or that it just seems like no one knows what you are going through or ever will and that you just have to go through it alone without anyone there. Waiting for that light at the end of the tunnel to come but yet it doesn't seem to come.

So lately for like a couple of months I have been sick off and on. It's not like one day during the week I feel sick then the next I'm better. It's more like one minute I'm totally fine and then the next minute I feel super weak, start to get a little dizzy and feel like I might lose my stomach. It's basically gotten to the point where I can only eat 1 meal a day and if I eat more then that then I have stomach pains and start feeling sick or if I eat to much in one setting. I can't fully eat a full meal in one sitting unless I force myself to and deal with the pains it'll cause later. I am also not able to eat junk food without getting sick either. It has to be healthy food but not healthy as in what society thinks is healthy. Healthy as in what I have and probably will always consider healthy(my terms of healthy below). I have also been losing A LOT of weight since the summer. About 20 pounds or more. I have no idea why or whats going on at all. I have also gotten my blood pressure checked and it's on the low side of normal. I'm not sure if it's always been like this but I know it's low. I'm not sure if this could be a reason why I'm sick off and on or if there is something else. There are also some other things going on but those I don't feel like posting on here for certain reasons.

Healthy: Healthy eating to me is hardly any meats (no matter what kind it is). Nothing with sugar or to much sugar. No drinks that are sugary or have under 100% juice. Drink lots of water. Eat bread once and awhile. No milk unless it's cooked into something or part of something else. Soy milk is allowed. Lots of fruits and veggies. Chips very rarely. Cookies rarely and those depend on the type that they are. Sea food is allowed. No to hardly any salt. There is much more that I just can't think of right now.

So onto the good things that have been going on. I have met lots of great new friends this year. It seems like I am really fitting in here in UT. I feel like UT is where I am suppose to be at. I have been accepted by so many people and it just makes me feel so great that so many people want to get to know me and be my friend. I really enjoy it here and don't want to leave intill I have to.

On to other great things. I have recently learned that I'm an amazing artist. I never knew that I could draw till this semester. I still diss on my drawings a lot but as I look back at them I'm proud of what I am able to do and can't wait to get better.

Then a side random note: Adobe Photoshop CS6 comes out this spring sometime!!! And I"m a beta tester!!! I LOVE it! Can't wait to buy the full version and get to own it and call it mine.

Anywho's

Peace out

Rae

Positive Thought Challenge

Have you ever stopped and just sat to think about what most of your thoughts are? To see if they are thoughts that are negative and bring you down? Or if they are thoughts that are positive and uplifting?

This is probably something that most of us don't stop to think about. I never put any thought to if my thoughts are positive or if they are negative till today....when I realized just how much negativity can be in our lives from negative thoughts.

Today I got the chance to hear from Hilary Weeks (billionclicks.org) talk about positive thoughts and I was blown away by her amazing talk. It really touched me and inspired me to try to be more positive in life. Forget about the negativity. Focus on the positive and try to be a better person. We all want to be happy and in order to be happy we have to have positive uplifting thoughts. Thoughts that make us happy for who we are and not negative thoughts that make us sad for who we are not and want to be.

One of the things that she asked us was... "If something had to run through your mind everyday to make you who you are what would it be?" As I thought about this question I realized that there are so many positive things about me that I should be thinking about everyday to make me a better person and that I need to push out the negative thoughts. The negative thoughts are not going to get me any where in life besides to a state of depression that no one wants to be at. We all want to be happy and strive everyday, looking for different ways to be happy. I know that by thinking positive thoughts I will be able to be happier in life. Look at the little things that make you happy.

I have decided to take on a positive thought challenge and want to challenge each and everyone of you to join me in this challenge. In this challenge I want you to keep a count of how many positive thoughts you have each day for at least a week. At the end of each day I want you to write down in a journal or something how many positive thoughts you had that day. At the end of the week add up all of those positive thoughts and record how you feel. Feel free to share your thoughts with me or with who ever you want to. Also if you want to, send this challenge on to your friends. In addition to the positive thoughts challenge, I want to challenge each of you to only post positive status's on Facebook. Don't post anything for a week that is negative or depressing. See how you feel by the end of the week.

-Rae

Make a Difference

Do you ever feel like after doing everything you can possibly do to be the best friend you can to people that all the hard work is wasted and that they don't care about you? Or when you try to stay friends with them to keep a great friendship alive and just to be there for them that they don't want it and just plain out ignore you and don't even make and effort to be friends with you? Or that they don't even try to make an effort to make time for you to be in their life but they make time for others who have been in their life way longer then you have?

It seems like this happens a lot lately. It seems like there is so many people out there who they try to be friends with, try to keep the friendship strong, try to be there for them, and just let them know they are there and that they do want to spend time with them to make great memories is just thrown out the door. Like they don't even care. Like they say they care about you but yet they never show it. They always seem too busy for you and don't want to make time for you intill after so long of asking them to or even then they decline you. Yet you don't want to let the friendship go but yet everyone is telling you to. Like you know deep down that they do want to be your friend but yet they just don't show it. That they want to hold on to other things that they might lose and they don't want to venture out to make new memories with other friends besides the normal one's that they have known for so long. Like they only want the one's they grew up with to be close to them and no one else. It doesn't seem like this is fair at all. Yet it happens.

It's hard on those who have moved around a lot in their lives. Have had to leave friends behind and had to try to make new one's but yet are not accepted because they didn't grow up there. Like they don't belong there. Making them feel like they don't matter in this world. That those who did grow up in the area are more important to them because they have been there longer then what you have. I've always been taught to venture out and make new friends. Make them feel welcome. Don't push them away. You never know what they are going through. I've been taught that if you don't try to be there for others and push them away you could be causing more harm to them then you think. They could be on the verge of doing something dramatic because they feel like no one cares for them. Like they are all alone in this world with no one to talk to.

I wish there was a way to end this. I wish I could put an end to it but I can't.  I see this happen ALL the time. I've seen some people do things that can't be undone. We all have faults to us but none of us should ignore or mock someone else. We should all try to be friends to each other. Don't push someone out cause they are not like you or didn't grow up where you did. Be there friend. Don't just say you care about them...SHOW them that you care. You can make a difference in someone's life. You may not realize that you are but to them you are the world. By reaching out to them you help them realize that they are not alone that people are out there who care and want to be your friend. I want to challenge those of you who are reading this to reach out. Find a friend who you haven't really shown much that you care for them or talked to them...and I mean truly heart to heart talked to them and show them that you do care for them. Invite them to do something with you. Don't wait for them to ask you to do something with them. Be the one to make the difference in that person's life. Listen to them and just be the best friend you can to them. We can all make a difference in this world by just being friends to others. Lets not sit around and wait for something bad to happen before we do something like this. Lets take a stand and do it now.


Love each and everyone of you. I TRULY care about each of you.

<3 Rae

Much needed rant.

I hate ranting but I feel like I need to get this out there. Lately life has been not the best and what seems like not worth living at the moment but I'm know it will hopefully get better. There has been lots going on. 

First of all there is a girl who USE to be my best friend but she caused so much pain and harm to me from physical to emotional that I ended the friendship. That was 4 months ago. She has continued to cause me pain. It has gotten to the point where I don't feel safe around here. Recently she has decided that it is okay to be my friend without giving me an apology for what she has done and after all the chances I have given her. She has no right to try to do what she is doing after all the pain she has caused to me and continues to case toward me. It has gotten to the point where I don't feel safe when I'm around certain area's that I have to be at during that time cause of her. I have no idea what to do anymore. It's getting to the point where I'm half considering dropping out of school or trying to transfer to another school. 

There is also in one of my classes where I had to miss a day because of family stuff and because of that I get punished by the teacher by be placed into different groups and finally they just all decide to kick me out and leave me in the dust. Starting by planning meeting to work on the project when they KNOW I can't go due to other classes. After trying to talk to the teacher and being ignored, being treated by majority of the class, and other crap. I'm to the point where I'm done with it all and don't care about passing the class anymore or even going. 

Then also I feel as if EVERYONE but maybe 1-3 people are ignoring me and don't care about me. I'm not sure if this is true or if it's just because I'm going through a rough time at the moment but if there is something that I have done to any of you out there and you are ignoring me PLEASE talk to me about it so it can be worked out! I can't fix mistakes I have done if I don't know why you are ignoring me. If your doing it because you don't think I care about you then you are wrong. I'd do anything for each and everyone of my friends. If I could I would take all of you out to eat or on a vacation. Please don't ignore me. I love each of you. 

If you read all of this then kudo's to you. It's just a much needed rant that I have been needed to tell someone but it seems like no one is there to listen so I blogged about it. Please if you know the names of ANYONE I'm talking about DO NOT mention them to anyone! If you want to talk to me then that's up to you. For now I'm done talking to anyone unless they talk to me intill things get better. I have no idea of how long this will be for but it's a choice I have decided to make. Sorry if this upsets any of you but it's something I need to do. 

Talk/Friend/Follow Him in Faith

As some of you know I go to the noon devotionals on Fridays for the LDS Institute program at my school. There is so much to be learned each week. It's so nice getting the chance to listen to a speaker each week talk about something that it seems like I need in my life at the time. It amazes me on how much I learn each week that I haven't known already.

This past Friday I got the privilege to listen to Alex Boyé. It was beyond amazing. A true inspiration. He talked about letting things go and not holding on to them. You don't need to hold onto every little thing in life. Move on, forward, with life. You will find that if you just let things go you will be more happy with your life.

Favorite part of his talk; "I know God don't have a smart phone but I can still talk to him. I know he doesn't have a Facebook but I can still friend him. I know God don't have a twitter but I will still follow him through life."

This line couldn't be anymore true. He is ALWAYS there and is always there to be your friend.

We shouldn't ignore him or kick him out of our life because we can't "friend" him on Facebook or follow him on twitter. It doesn't matter that he doesn't have a phone that we can just call whenever we want from our phone.

We can ALWAYS give him a "call" through a prayer. He is always listening. The Lord cares about each and everyone of us. He wants us to live with him again someday.

We shouldn't have to talk to him through Facebook and like his every post. He is already a friend to each and everyone of us. If we want to read "status" from him we can pick up our scriptures and read them. It's something that we have that is better then what Facebook will ever be. We can always read it and it doesn't make changes like Facebook does. It's context is something that each and everyone of us will love.

We shouldn't have to "follow" him on twitter. We should follow him in faith. Trust him. There is so much that we can learn from him. He is there for us and loves each one of us. Unlike twitter he won't block us from following him. He loves us to much to do so and wants each and everyone of us to return to him.

I know he is there for us and always will be. He wants to help each and everyone of us out. He wants us to return to him. We shouldn't turn him away.

Rae needs a text...

So I feel like I should blog but I'm not sure what about. Life has been going great. Been crazy. I have been making lots of great friends and learning lots.

Now time to get random...

lighting the sun on fire

taning on Mercury 

making out on Venus

Expecting on Earth

roasting marshmallows in Mars

gassing on Jupiter

sliding on Saturn

pooping on Uranis

breathing with Neptune

saving Pluto

Sleepless nights

Lately I've been tired. It's not because i'm going to bed late and waking up (even though I do that), it's because I can't sleep. I can't fall asleep till after 11pm and I wake up 1-2 times a night with nightmares. I'm not sure why it's happening but it is and has been for sometime. They are nothing like nightmares I use to have. They seem real like when I go to sleep I'm in another dimension and that everything is going wrong. That those I love are dying or i'm dying. I have tried melatonin but that has made things worse to the point of waking up every hour and half with very vivid dreams that scare me. I fear sleeping due to these dreams I've been having and am to the point where I don't know what to do anymore. I don't exactly have the money to go to the doctors to find out what's going on. If any of you know anything that I can try that might help please let me know.

Mocha

Mocha...my guinea pig....the newest member of the family. She means so much to me even though just yesterday I got her. She's so adorable. So full of life. there is so much to learn when you have your own pet that you are paying for and taking care of by your self. I can't wait till I get to know her better. <3 you Mocha.

If The Savior Stood Beside Me

There is no greater feeling then feeling the spirit, listening to a devotional, being told that no matter what is going on in your life that you ALWAYS have a friend. He will and is always there for you. He loves you. He never wants to see any of his children hurt. He cares to much for us. More then any of us could imagine.

I know I'm not perfect. I'm far from it, but each and everyday I can work harder to become more like Christ. Try to do what he would do. Today as I was listening to the Friday noon devotional at UVU Institute, I was inspired to try to try to act as if the Savior is standing right next to me. I know that he is always near and would never leave me. I know that I don't always do what I should do and that I should try to do more things that are righteous, that will bring me closer to him. He is always near me, watching over what I do. I know it hurts him to see me do something that I know better then to. I want to from this moment on work towards being a better person, be more like him. I am going to try my hardest to act as if he is right here, sitting/standing right next to me. Do what I know is right. Do only the things that I would do if I was in his presence.

I have also decided and know that I need to work harder on keeping my language clean. I know we all once and awhile let a word we shouldn't be using slip out when we are not thinking about it. I'm gonna work on not letting them slip. Be an example for all those who are out there watching over me. I will only use the language that I would use if I was talking to him. We should treat everyone how we would treat him. It hurts him when we treat or talk to someone in a way that we wouldn't if we were talking to him.

Our actions and our language are not the only thing that affect him. Our thoughts affect both our actions and our language. What we think has an impact on what we do. If we are thinking of things that we shouldn't be thinking about then we will eventually act upon that and do what was once only a thought. We should push away this thoughts and keep them clean. I know that this is a big thing and it is something that will be hard but I know I can do it.

He is watching over me and he cares about me. He is always there. He is one of the most truest friends that anyone could ever ask for. All I have to do is ask and he is there. He knows me better then anyone else does. I am going to try to be the kind of person that I know the Savior wants me to be.

"How ever lonely you feel today you are never alone. He is always a friend is always there for you" - Sister Paige Holland

One song that is important to me and is my favorite is "If the Savior Stood Beside Me" here are the lyrics...

If the Savior stood beside me, would I do the things I do?

Would I think of His commandments and try harder to be true?

Would I follow His example? Would I live more righteously,

If I could see the Savior standing nigh, watching over me?

If the Savior stood beside me, would I say the things I say?

Would my words be true and kind if He were never far away?

Would I try to share the gospel? Would I speak more reverently

If I could see the Savior standing nigh, watching over me?

If the Savior stood beside me, would my thoughts be clean and pure?

Would His presence give me strength and hope, and courage to endure?

Would His counsel guide my actions? Would I choose more worthily

If I could see the Savior standing nigh, watching over me?

If the Savior stood beside me, would I often kneel to pray?

Would I listen to the Spirit's voice, and hasten to obey?

Would I count my many blessings? Would I praise Him gratefully

If I could see the Savior standing nigh watching over me?

If the Savior stood beside me, would I comfort those in need?

Would I try to show the Savior's love in every word and deed?

Would I give to those who hunger? Would I serve more willingly

If I could see the Savior standing nigh, watching over me?

He is always near me, though I do not see Him there

And because He loves me dearly, I am in His watchful care

So I'll be the kind of person that I know I'd like to be

If I could see the Savior standing nigh, watching over me.

Just WOW

Spring semester is FINALLY here. I can't believe I'm already into my second semester of college.

Here's a run down of my classes...

• English - Pretty sure I got lucky (again) with a GREAT english professer. Best comment he's made so far is "This is not BYU-Orem" 
• French - Oui, Mon préféré
• Drawing - So far is going great, I can draw negative space. 
• Health - Ehh...not looking forward to having to go to the doctors for a checkup and having to write a paper on it
• Art History - AMAZING!!! So far I have had a blast!!!

As you can tell school is going great so far. 

So....One of my friends today said to me "Don't you find it amazing how the person that you're going to marry is walking on this earth right now?"

Honestly this is something I have NEVER thought about before in my life. Now that I think about it, I find it amazing. I can't wait to meet him. Find that guy who I'm gonna be with for eternity. The one who completes me. The perfect guy...my prince charming. 

Random things I've learned...It's possible to break a toe walking...I did this Monday. 

New Years Adventures

So I wanted to post about how I ended 2011 and how I started 2012.

Kinda a funny story...Around 3 or 4 Brittney and I went to go get Brittnee (Yes I have two amazing friends named Brittney/Brittnee). We decided that we were going to go shooting! Whats better then 3 girls blowing things up with guns with guys around? Couldn't be better if I said so. I completely demolished a dead hair straightener and a glass plate. Better not tick this girl off! About the time it started getting dark we packed up the car to go drop the guns off and get ready for dancing. Spending about a good 1 hour getting all dolled up we headed off to try to find the loft in provo. WE FINALLY found it!!! We stood there for a good 15 min before feeling awkward cause everyone looked under 18 we left to go see what else we could find. Some how we ended up at Riverwoods shopping center in provo beach resort...yes a beach...in utah...that's indoors....amazing. We walked around for awhile and after much thought decided to NOT do the ropes course in skirts and heels/flats and went down to Ike's ice cream to enjoy an old fashioned milk shakes. After much talk about how the whipped cream tasted like plastic or if it was something else we finally figure out that it tasted like milk that's been whipped with no sugar...with some flour added into it. Once I got down to 1/2 empty on mine I was concentrating on drinking out of the straw with a brownie chunk stuck in it and bursted out laughing and did a spit take then blacked out before choking for a good 5 minutes about maybe longer with ending it on throwing up (yes I made it to the bathroom) and realizing that I had chocolate in my lungs. I soon starte to make fun of my voice cause it sounded funny. NOT joking! It was really funny! I didn't care that my chest hurt my voice was funny!

As we are heading to go store hopping till midnight we had a car of people who look like college students also next to us and we were talking about how cute the guy driving is and then how the girl in the back was totally stripping the guy in the front TOTALLY waved at me!!! and did the whole flirty look at my bare shoulder thing!! I pretty much died.

Midnight finally came and we were in Walmart and decided to yell "HAPPY NEW YEAR" in the middle of the store....that is my new year... completely random.

New Years Resolutions

-Get rid of all the drama in my life and keep it out
-Enter some of my photographs in an art show
-Get R&A Photo Studio's really going
-Make TONS of great new friends
-Do stupid things
-Get a boyfriend
-Not die
-Get no concussions
-Turn some body fat to muscle (aka butt and stomach)



-NOT COMPLETE THEM ALL BEFORE 2013!!!